All in all...not a bad day. Had its ups and downs, its moments of complete abject terror, and some nice relaxation time as well. But it is Saturday after all, and Saturdays can never be too terrible. I...guess.

Those of you who know me probably know that I have panic disorder with agoraphobia, have since I was 12 years old. So, today I wandered around town, decided I was sick of staying in the house all morning. So I walked down past the laundromats, about a ten minute walk, and attempted to walk down this crazy hill to the downtown area with all the shops and stuff.

THIS IS IT. THE HILL OF DOOM. Oh, it looks small and unassuming now. Click on it. Do you see that car? See the buildings down at the bottom? IT'S FAR. See the little yellow sign that says "hey, trucks, yer screwed!" Yeah. The kind of hill Stephen King has nightmares about. So I started walking down here, and my feet just froze up. Could not move. Mouth dry, sweaty palms, heat aching, heart pounding, couldn't swallow the water I had without feeling like it was a clod of dirt I'd choke on.

All because of this hill.

Luckily the hospital clinic (one of them) is off to the left, so I wandered down there, even found another route down the hill (a gigantic, mind-numbingly dizzy staircase straight out of Mordor) but I resigned to calling home and then turning around (thanks mum+dad) in defeat. The hill has defeated me.

For now.

To make my anxiety-ridden mind feel even worse, there's a little bridge at the bottom and this complete feeling of openness on either side, all three of the things (heights, bridges, openness and aloneness)--four! four of the things that the Spanish Inquis--I mean that I am terribly afraid of for irrational reasons known only to my neurotransmitters. All at once. So, I trudged back in a panic-induced stupor of hyperventilating and teeth gnashing and forced-back tears, complaining to my mum and dad the whole way about how alone I was and oh the drama. In all seriousness, it was very scary.

But I went back to my house, ordered some take-out Chinese, had the local cab take me down that very same hill (little did he know my terror!) and got to see a bit more of the town at the same time. The Chinese food restaurant folks were really nice, the owners' little grandson even gave me a crabapple!

How cute is that! It was good to find some friendly folks downtown and that made me feel a bit more at ease.

I will conquer that hill. I will explore downtown Hot Springs by foot. I may be nervous, I may not be, but you know what, I got on a plane out here alone, and I've done that four times now, and deep down I really vant to be left alone (I love the open expanses that paleontology so often provides)...so damnit I ain't going to Californy. Or letting my anxiety stop me, either way.

Signing off, for now.